Misery's Company.

I see, now, the

shells we both became.

Hollow and so cold.

I spent so much time

trying to revive something

that was long gone.

So many nights alone.

Screaming and begging

for the pain to stop.

The aching in my chest

almost too painful to bare.

I was grasping at straws.

But all I found were ghosts.

Trying to bargain with the devil.

Offering my soul in exchange

for one more moment with you.

One more passing glance.

One more..

Just one more..

Look at me.

All I yearned for was

for you to look at me.

But how could I survive

without my home?

You made me so warm.

It wasn’t easy,

it never was.

I just wanted it to be easy.

I wanted so very much

for us.

For you.

For me.

But our glass house

toppled.

And it’s been so hard

for me to find the words

to say.

It’s cold without you,

still.

But time has eased

the pain.

I’m a little warmer now.

But there will always

be a chill

when I enter a room,

Knowing that your

love is absent from it.

And I am okay with a breeze.

It’s been a while.

Everything is slipping.

I’m slipping.

Everyone says it gets better.

But every day I’m losing my grip.

Every day I find another reason to let go.

The thought of being alone in the world.

The sheer hollowness enveloping me.

I think it’s time.

I think it’s time to let go.

The pain outweighs the fear of falling.

Outweighs the unknown that awaits me.

I think it’s time.

You never expect for the person you love to wake up one day and tell you that they don’t love you anymore. But it can happen.

People will tell you how to grieve and how to handle that loss, but they don’t know. They don’t know about your sleepless nights. How you’re up thinking about every mistake you’ve ever made. Thinking that maybe if you had done something different, this would be different. Maybe you were too stubborn. Put up too much of a fight. Maybe you were too distant and didn’t show you cared enough. Every night full of “maybe’s” and “what ifs,” but there’s no way to ever know for sure.

And that’s the thing with grief. Everyone has their own way to ride out the absolute tsunami it brings to your life. It’s not just a wave of feeling, but an overwhelming and uncontrollable monster. You can become self destructive, you can take it with peace. Some can let it go. Some will never get over the pain it’s brought.

And that’s another thing. The pain. Because sometimes you get the luxury of not losing the person who no longer loves you. Sometimes they want you to be in their life. But you can’t give yourself the luxury to hold on. To watch them be happy when all you want to do is be a part of that. Be their partner through that. Sometimes that in it of itself is far too much to bare. And with that comes more grief. Because this person not only no longer loves you, but the pain is far too great for you to watch them live the life you thought you had built together.

Which adds another level of grief. The loniless. The sheer echo of your insides from the emptiness. Everything you touch or see makes you think of that person. The foundation you’ve built with them crumbling like a sand castle to the tides. You think you have forever. That’s what they said. But your days were numbered, only, neither of you knew that. You don’t know what kiss will be your last. You don’t know when the last time you will get to hold them will be. But one day.. it just is. And you don’t get to feel the warm embrace they once had, or their soft lips assuring you of their love. It turns cold and it’s empty and it’s forced. Every interaction like a chore they have to get done to face the day. Like after they get through this, they can get on with their life.

Years will have built the life you created, and nothing makes sense when it’s gone. What do you do with it all? Everything you did was for both of you, and now there’s only you. Riding through this storm. Trying to make sense of what direction is up. There’s no home anymore. They were your home. Nothing else mattered. It all just slips through your fingers so fast, like it was never there in the first place. Just a whisper of what it was. So hollow and empty.

Their words echo through your head like a cheering audience that won’t cease. Screaming. Reverberating. Never ending. All you can do is hold your ears and scream back in hopes to silence the sound and the pain. But no amount of screaming will fill the hole inside your chest. The one perfectly created for your person to live in. Perfectly molded, as perfect as perfect can be. Maybe the screaming will stop one day. Maybe the hole in your chest will get just a little bit smaller. But there will always be an emptiness. A spot that fits your perfect person perfectly. There will always be a question of, “what could I have done differently?” There likely will never be an answer.

So grieve. Grieve because they don’t love you anymore. Grieve because you will love them endlessly until the end of time. Grieve because the life you’ve built has crumbled. Grieve.

Grieve.

Grieve.

Because sometimes, the pain is all you have left.

cyakox:

amouthfulloflove:

“grief never leaves, it just changes shape.”

— The Perseverance, ‘Dr. Marigold Re-evaluated’ by Raymond Antrobus 

heavensghost:

You don’t realize that one day someone can wake up and not love you anymore

You don’t think about it. Or you try not to

But then it happens

And you’re left with a hole in your chest the size of them

And your whole world falls out from underneath you

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing to hold on to or grasp for help

Nothing matters

Nothing matters